|
actrss2b
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Carly
Birthday: 4/26/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: I am a music fanatic. I think it's amazing to see how much you can tell about a person by the type of music they like. Right now I am striving to become a Godly Woman, and in this process I am still learning exactly what that means (with all the incredible women in my life, I am getting a good idea). I have a real passion for all the amazing girls in cabin 2/4 (Ya Thadawayz!) and all of the amazing work God is doing at Camp Carl. I love watching and being part of how God is working on this campus in leaps and bounds. I pretty much can sing along with any and every song on the radio ...( my friends hate this... but a word of advice... if you tell someone to stop singing ... they just get louder!)
Expertise: I like to sing, dance, and act... and thank God that is what I do with most of my time.
Occupation: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/19/2003
|
|
| This semester has been streaming by almost effortlessly. I have realised the more time I spend in the classroom, the more I really love teaching. I may not be good at it yet, but it's comforting to know that I have found something that I really like doing. For a while I thought about how some of my friends who are living in Hawaii, living in France, moving to arizona or north Carolina, my friends who are applying for these exciting jobs, I thought about how if I compare myself and what i want to do with everything around me I will never be content. There is always gonna be someone who has a more exotic life then mine, specially when I am gonna be a teacher. But I think that doesn't mean that I won't have an exciting or thrilling life. I think the exact opposite. I always saw teaching as having the perks of summers and weekends... and my day ends at 3:20. So who knows what I could do with that time. I could go on summer or weekend camping trips where I rock climb up the side of a mountain, hike the appalacian trail (clearly not a weekend thing...), go overseas somewhere and serve for 2 months, or go camping on the beach. While I may not be seeing these things now or even doing these things now... I think thats because school is alot more confining then a job. I refuse to believe that I'm waiting for my life to happen cause I have deffinatly done some extremely exciting things! but I deffinatly wanna break the routine every once in a while. (Hard to do in ohio in the winter...) I think I wanna start rock climbing alot!!! | | |
| I'm reading a memoir by Ann Patchett, Truth and Beauty; a Friendship.
It's about her friendship with her best friend and excentric writer
Lucy Grealy. At first I kinda hated this book, because it seemed like
Ann was just writing a book about Ann to steal some of the sucess by
writing a behind the scenes look about the personal life of a rather
famous writer, lucy. I see some of myself is Lucy... that not
nessicerally a good thing. Lucy is very self-obsorbed and needy, at the
same time she's abrupt, impulsive, and tends to play things up to be
the center of attention. I'm not saying I am all of those things... but
i see impulses in myself to be those things. The reason this book is
growing on me is becuase her friend Ann is giving a unshielded opinion
of how and why lucy does these things.
Alot of times people do not say or
tell others what they truly think or feel. (This tends to be something
that I do not always have a problem with... and it gets me into
trouble.) They do not tell friends when they are being irrational, or
over-emotional. Sometimes true friendship is when a friend can see
someone through an embarassing time, and "also tell someone then they
are or are about to embaress themselves" (Patchett 155)
But the part that really got me
and made me think was when Ann is completely honest about Lucy's habits
in relationships. She's finally had two steady relationships and she is
questioning breaking them off because she wonders if they are holding
her back from meeting better men that are out there. Ann responds to
the reader (not out loud to lucy... but something lucy should have
probably heard...)"Lucy had been alone (single) too much of her life,
and in her loneliness she had constructed a vision of what a perfect
relationship would looks like. Love, in her imagination, was so
dazzling, so tender and unconditional, that anything human seemed
impossibly thin by comparison." (Patchett 170)...Lucy has a million
friends, is famous and has a large group of close friends but even all
those people is not big enough to fill up every square inch of her
loneliness. " Lucy thought that all she needed was one person, the
right person, and all that empty space would be taken away from her.
But there was noone in the world big enough for that." (Patchett 171)
It's true! But I often find myself slipping into the mind set.
At risk of sounding
cliche... I see that emptiness as that God shaped hole that we hear
people refer to so often. When we feel ourselves get empty we tend to
try and fill up that hole with what we think we want. Everytime!
I can say one of the only times I have truly been content is when I
truly and completely let God fill of that place. It was the biggest
blessing I have ever felt. That was camp this summer... Coming home I
was sad not because I was leaving camp, but because I knew I would get
distracted and lose that fulfillment in Christ. and I can honestly say
I have. And it breaks my heart, because I know that is the deepest
longing of my heart... but my habit is I try to fill it up with things
within my control, or with stuff I can tangably see, or physically do.
Letting God fill you up doesn't have a formula... I don't know how I
got there before, and I don't quite know how to get back there..... but
like I said.. That is the deepest longing of my heart. I don't wanna
get stuck thinking like Lucy.
Just some random thoughts I needed to write down...
| | |
| That last entry... upon rereading it is a recipe for disaster. It's playing with fire to be careless.. or frivilous... NEWays... I was in my observation hours and the 11th grade honors class was having what the teacher liked to call "the great debate" . That is a debate where guys on one side and girls on the other and they get to ask them questions as a group of the opposite sex. The question that was asked today was "What are the five main qualities you are looking for in a guy". Of course it's highschool is has to be about relationships. But I was helping out the girls side... while the teacher was helping the guy side. At first the girls were being extremely superficial... sounding almost like the steriotypical guy. They were putting down things like good looking (the guys put down beautiful also..) but they also said Stupid. I was suprised by this and tryed to rationalize it as a non-egotistical guy.. of a guy that isn't arrogant. But once I clarified that this isn't just a crush for the moment.. this is the ideal guy. The guy you'd wanna be with forever.. things started getting clearer. The part that made me smile what the first characteristic brought up by the girls... Faithfulness... (these are public school girls.. as much as i wish they were talking about real faith.. no they were talking about a guy that doesn't cheat.) the guys quickly responded .. we have that too.. we put Loyalty. I had to think for a minute. That put alot of things in perspective. Girls wanted faithfulness... which is about trust, honesty, and emotion. It's very characteristic that a girl would want trust and belief that the guy is in the relationship for real. Guys wanted Loyalty... Which is about support, and leadership. It's saying that is the guy were to make a decision that the girl would stick by their side and not leave. Or not doubt them. It's kinda the expectation that the girl would love and care dispite all things or situations. Both words circle around the idea that both characteristics portray a person who wouldn't betray their trust. Therefore it's easy to interchange them. But they are very different but appropriate words. I don't think these kids realised how deep that little game could have gone in revealing an underlying truth about what women and men want. Needless to say I was smiling and laughing on the inside at how truth and the roles that God intended for relationships are engrained in us. Even when they didn't realise it. | | |
| I've realized that for as much as I talk about being bold and not holding back in relationships. (Yes sorry this might become a relationship rant... I appologize in advance) I totally live through fear. Not in fear for myself though. it's fear of me hurting the other person. I've gotten to the point where if I'm not absolutely sure that I could see myself with them forever I will run away. I think it's because I've hurt so many people, or experienced how much a break-up can hurt, or even a semi-break up when there's not even an official dating relationship. Just feelings can be very powerful and I am a very passionate person. I know how I feel about a person pretty quickly. I also know whether it is something fleeting, or if I really care about someone. So when or if I'm not sure I don't wanna even give it a try cause I don't wanna start something I can't finish. Many people would disagree.. but I would rather be the person who is caring for someone who doesn't quite care for me, because it's self-maintaining.... but I can't stand being the one who is being indecisive. Cause I can see how I'm hurting this person. The thing that makes me really wonder is.... has it been this fear of taking the chance that a relationship could fail the thing that has been keeping me single for 5 years. The last actual break-up was rough. I think I'm only seeing now how it's really effected me. I don't know how to change this... or if it's something I really wanna change quite yet. Just an observation. I know that God will open up that door when he wants to. I can't mess up God's plan. But I also know that God could be keeping this aspect of my personality in place to protect myself or protect other people. Just some rambling thats been in my head... I'm a verbal processor... ; ) | | |
| It's interesting how something about this has lost it's appeal to me. I haven't posted on here for a long time. It's like I keep thinking if someone wants to know about me then they will genuinely ask, and listen for an answer. The ironic thing is I still read those digest e-mails to get a read on how people are doing. So I don't ask either... It's funny the last thing I talked about is how exciting woodfest will be and It's this weekend. I will probably cry when I get back cause I'll be so excited to be there. I miss camp so much. Just the challenges and the presence God had there that was undeniably strong. When I came home I was terrified and kinda mourning the fact that I knew that I was going to slip back into the same old routine. And the sad thing is I did. Not in a horrible way... but just in a way where I got lazy and I slipped into that kinda going through the motions... getting distracted.. not really living off the joy God gives. Looking to other things to give me that joyful buss for the day. I hate it! I am so disapointed in myself. That was why I was so sad to leave... because I knew it would happen. I know myself well enough to know that I do this. It's undeniable. But I also know God is bigger then that... I know that "He who begins a good work in me will carry it to completion until the day of Jesus Christ". So I know God's not gone from me.. there is just to much noise in my life... and I have a hard time hearing what God wants, or feeling his presence. When I was done with camp I genuinely didn't want to like any guys because I saw it as a distraction that came between God and me. And I know it doesn't have to be that way...and it shouldn't be that way... but I often make it that way. Whoever my crush is becomes that rush of excitement when I see him. Do you hear how that sounds and who that should be... It was God and seeing God's work or presence that gave me that rush this summer. It was living for and longing for God. I still long for that so much that it hurts. It's that constant reminder of the bigger picture... that there is so much more then the here and now. The promise of Heaven that God has given us... and knowing that we are running so hard here and now because we know the ending. I know where we are going. It's all of those things that will come flooding back when I go back to camp. I can't wait.... and I miss it so much. I will see people who I haven't seen in about a month. It's tomorrow and I am wanting to do backflips!!!! | | |
|
